This time....

I saw this style of blog written some time ago - I loved it & swore that I would do one the same.... & seeing it is our 7th Wedding Anniversary today I thought it would be fitting to do it now.

So here goes - (although it may be best read from the bottom up..)

THIS TIME NOW I am a wife, a mother of a 3yr old & a six month old & a home buyer. I'm not making any cakes but I attend & work at weight watchers, go to 'Contours' gym, go to mums group dinners, mums group play dates, take my nan shopping & catch up with friends as often as I/we can. I am happy, healthy, busy, sometimes frazzled but mostly content.

THIS TIME LAST YEAR I was a mother of one & was newly pregnant with the next. We had been in this house one year, & I had a small but successful cake decorating business. I went to mums group, swimming lessons, kindergym, coffees in child friendly cafe's & lots of friends 30th birthdays.

THIS TIME THREE YEARS ago I was a first time mum of 7 weeks. I was having trouble breastfeeding, was going to bed at 6pm, I stayed in my pj's later then I ever had & I cried alot.
I was recently unemployed & we were living in a house that was only half renovated.
Don't get me wrong, I was learning to enjoy the time of being at home with a new baby & having Jon on holidays for 8 weeks so we could spend some time adjusting to being a "family" was fantastic.

THIS TIME FOUR YEARS ago I was desperate to fall pregnant...
I was working at a well known Patisserie, & then a home wares store & then a country clothing store. We were definite DINK's (double income no kids), we had a wonderful group of friends, played Aqua netball each week - followed by drinks at the pub, & were busy renovating a house that we hoped would become a fantastic investment for us.

THIS TIME FIVE YEARS ago we had finished our time in Rovers, & were on to bigger & better things....like not having ANY commitments on a Sunday evening. And we had begun on our journey to parenthood - too easy, we thought, we will be parents by this time next year.....

THIS TIME SEVEN YEARS ago we were at our Wedding Reception. Sigh. We were 24, in love, working two jobs each & living in a nice unit in Paradise (the suburb - although it was very nice!). Some weeks on we bought our first house & we were settling into a great new bunch of friends, drinking lots of wine, eating & having loads of fun in Rovers.

THIS TIME NINE YEARS ago we were in the heart of Australia, living in a tent in a caravan park. We both had great jobs, we swam in the pool everyday, drank at the pub every evening. I got my first tattoo & a new nose ring. (what funky, hip travellers we thought we were!). We had just gotten back from a job overseas & were newly engaged.

THIS TIME TEN YEARS ago we were newly qualified trades people. I was working for a bakery that sold lots of cakes with cheese in them, & Jon was at the Festival Centre.
We had hardly any money, two cars (??), lived in the dodgiest block of units in a great suburb just out of the city, & had joined a Rover crew (that turned out to be just as dodgy as the place we lived...).
This was obviously the year that we got lazy (two cars & living just out of the city...?) as we seemed to be a bit larger (& larger) in the photos taken at the time.....

THIS TIME THIRTEEN YEARS ago I had begun my apprenticeship, bought my first car & had hooked up with six months previously with one of the apprentice chefs called Jonathan. He had long red hair, was a skater, drank heaps of beer, went abseiling with his mates & was a mad keen Canoe Polo player. Somewhat opposite of me....
We both lived at home & each finally had a stable income. We ate out alot, went on a camping trips, long drives & spent plenty of time...er..um..getting to know...um..each other...cough....

THIS TIME FOURTEEN YEARS ago I was dating some pretty dodgy boys... (cant call them men at 17yrs old...). I was doing a tafe course,was a tiny size 6, worked part time in a bakery, where I was hit upon by a couple of the older (yucky) bakers, & was learning to drive in my dads Datsun 180B.
I was heavily involved with scouting, sailing, rowing, camping, comedy capers, my best friends, musicals & movies. How very thrilling.....
I was living at home, & even had to beg (for a full fortnight) my parents to let me fly to Port Lincoln for my boyfriend's (at the time) 18th birthday.

THIS TIME.... well I think I will save all the thrilling details of my very scouting, non drinking/non smoking parents, private school attending, upbringing for another time - don't you agree?

Putting my thoughts out there....

I have been meaning to write about this for some time, but these things stop me
1- lack of time
2- not really knowing how to put it down on 'paper'
3- do I want to & what will the repercussions be in the future
4- having friends read about this difficult thing in my life

But the one thing I do need is to get it out of my head & look at it maybe from a different perspective.... hmmm that sounds way to wanky for me....

Well now that I have everyone thoroughly confused & even maybe have slightly interested some people I can finally say what it is....TANTRUMS! Of the 3 year old kind.

Yes we live with them everyday - generally several times a day.
And I will be honest - it is doing my head in.
I am getting to the end of my patience with them & the do-er of them.

This daily dishing out of wails, tears, teeth clenching, hitting, kicking, yelling, screaming, banging on doors/walls & complete frustration (on both sides) must surely come to an end soon otherwise we will go insane.

These 'little' things may start over the most innocent of things like some minor daily decisions - What to eat for breakfast - Cherio's or Toast? Can someone else use the texta's to colour in? What drink cup/sipper bottle do you want to use today?

Or they can begin with the Tele not being turned on or onto the right channel... or the light not being on in the toilet.. or blowing her nose...or not letting her play with my make-up... or not letting her play 'wave the toilet roll brush round like your the fairy god-mother'... or not letting her cut dried fruit with a sharp knife... or unrolling so much toilet paper to use that it would sink the proverbial...or pulling her baby sisters head just that little bit too roughly...or not listening when we say stop.... or daddy stepping on those 'eggshells' just a little to heavily...

But the mother of all reasons as to why tantrums occur in our household on a thrice daily basis....Getting Dressed & it not being PINK enough.

Sounds silly I know - but the colour pink & the tone of the colour pink are HUGE issues to our 3 year old.
She just loves the colour - & will often be wearing pink.... knickers, socks, stockings, shoes, skirt, top, jumper, jacket, headband & clips - all in one day, one hour, one session.
Carrying pink blankey, pink drink bottle, pink bag & pink dressed dolly in the pink pram.
(and I think I have said the word too many times - its starting to sound weird!)

(And may I just point out too that this was really truly NOT my plan for my child to only deal in pink - this is just her putting her stamp on the world.)

I actually don't have any problems with any of the above mentioned reasons - I mean they are a part of my day to day life - saying no to this & that, stopping situations that could become dangerous & guiding her thru these tough years of learning.

But what I have a problem with is the continual Tantrums that result from my reactions of these very simple, every day things.

The tantrums are making everyday a sad/bad day at the moment - with not too much time left for fun. Because once we have gotten over 20 mins of yelling,wailing ....see above... it time to get in the car, or playschool has finished, or her lunch is stale/cold/soggy. Or so many other things.

This is what does my head in.... I have taken time out from working to stay at home to raise our small children in what we think (for us) the best way.... and I find my days to be continually shit upon by the Tantrums.
I have become a sad, frustrated, unloving, uncaring, angry, cross, at a loss and teary mother.
Really quite the opposite of what I wanted to achieve from my turn as a stay at home mum.

People have tried to council me with what to do -staying strong, -not giving in to her, -sticking to my plan of discipline, -listening to her needs, -smacking, -time out & taking away loved items.

And today we did - her all time favourite-nothing can replace-must go most places with her-especially to bed- hot pink 'Blankey' - WENT INTO THE BIN!
And she stood & wailed - "but I love him so much". .it broke my heart.
(i went to the gym & on returning home & kissing her goodnight I did notice that 'he' was once again in pride of place spread out on the bed....not sure who is playing who here...).

Now I think that I am a pretty good mum (doesn't everyone...!) & having watched many others how they conduct themselves in the public & private arena's - I know that I AM a fair, good disciplinary, good listener, a liker of time out & I very rarely smack mother.

But none of this seems to be working at the moment. She just keeps on going.... with the wailing & the crying. Until I get up & walk away - out the front door.
(not for ever...just a little while).
Now I know that while this is an effective way of gaining her attention ('don't leave me mummy...') I also know that it is not a good thing to do & in the long run will be quite ineffective.

So here I am.... admitting that I'm really unsure as to how to effectively parent in these situations... where to go to now (now that blankey is back in the house) & admitting that my love & affection for her is dropping rapidly with each day that contains these tantrums.

Maybe I am missing something that she is saying, maybe she is really unhappy at the moment, I'm not sure.... as there are lots of other things she is involved in but turns into a shy, hiding, silly little girl at the mention of attending them - Ballet, Kindergym, Swimming. Yeah sure she loves it when she is there - but getting her to get dressed to get there.....

I am really hoping that this stage of development is just that - a Stage.... ('they all go through it!'),
& that our happy, productive & fun daily life will return once more -
but you know as it is at the moment I just cant see that happening......